TOM SWIFTIES
A Tom Swifty is a form of Wellersim in which the tone of the speaker's commentary is described with a distinct, and often lame, pun. The speaker, of course, is usually Tom. Like Wellerisms, Tom Swifties are often found in stories, but they are also compiled in droves all over the internet. The vast majority of them are not worth the time to read. Even so, I have wasted my time for your benefit so that I could compile only the very best of the bunch here, and there are still quite a few. I have elected to reproduce many of them with names other than "Tom" because it gets tiresome after, oh, two times.
"Can I go look for the Holy Grail a second time?" Tom requested.
"That's the last time I'll stick my arm in the lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said offhandedly.
"We just #(&*!%&^$# struck oil!" Gary gushed crudely. (double whammy)
"They had to amputate both feet at the ankles," said Terry defeatedly.
"I am wearing my wedding ring," said Mike with abandon.
"My girlfriend left me," said Donald Duck lackadaisically.
"There's room for one more," Sue admitted.
"I have to keep the fire burning," Jesse bellowed.
"We manufacture kitchen fixtures," Bob said counter-productively.
"Elvis is dead," said Marie expressly.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"I like camping," Sally said intently
"Perhaps I will," Jerry said with all his might.
"I'll wait to see the doctor," he said patiently.
"I'm just an average soldier," she admitted privately.
"I have to strip naked again!" he rebuffed.
"I joined the navy," she said fleetingly.
"I'd better resend our S O S, Captain Smith," he said remorsefully.
"The optometrist probably won't have my glasses ready yet," she speculated.
"I was adopted," she said transparently.
"The wind is powerful," he blustered.
"No, you may not use my brush," she bristled.
"Alas, the ancient Greek woodland deity has passed on," he said with deadpan expression.
"I'll bet it's better to fish with a net," he debated.
"Ein, zwei, drei, funf," she recounted fearlessly. (Another double whammy)
"For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly grateful," he prayed gracefully.
"My parents are Billy and Nanny," he kidded.
"The sun is rising," she mourned.
"Have I been emasculated?" he demanded.
"Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth disdainfully.
"It just don't add up," he said, nonplussed.
"The exit is over there," she pointed out.
"I'm not going to quit anything this Easter," he said relentlessly.
"I fought with Geronimo," he said bravely.
"Go ask an investment broker," was her stock answer.
"A spirit carried me from the chair to the bed," she said, visibly moved.
"I don't work here on a regular basis," he said casually.
"The situation is grave," she said cryptically.
"I'm taller than I was yesterday," he said gruesomely.
"I have only diamonds, clubs and spades," she said heartlessly.
"I've never had a car accident," he said recklessly.
"Dorothy, if you're going back to Oz, I'm going with you," Em barked.
"How long is the wait?" he asked without reservation.
"It's twelve, noon," she chimed.
"I find you guilty," the judge said with conviction.
"I'll take that," she said appropriately.
"I bet you're my host," he guessed.
"I prefer my margins to be jagged," she said without justification.
"I have to keep the eggs warm," he said honestly.
"I said already that I added a second layer of mulch," she repeated.
"The surgeon removed my left ventricle," he said half-heartedly.
"The doctor removed a bone from my arm," she said humourlessly.
"I already paid my annual subscription," he remembered.
"My investments are worth more every day," he said appreciatively.
"I'm taking the ship back to harbour," she reported.
"That's the last time I'll stick my arm in the lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said offhandedly.
"We just #(&*!%&^$# struck oil!" Gary gushed crudely. (double whammy)
"They had to amputate both feet at the ankles," said Terry defeatedly.
"I am wearing my wedding ring," said Mike with abandon.
"My girlfriend left me," said Donald Duck lackadaisically.
"There's room for one more," Sue admitted.
"I have to keep the fire burning," Jesse bellowed.
"We manufacture kitchen fixtures," Bob said counter-productively.
"Elvis is dead," said Marie expressly.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"I like camping," Sally said intently
"Perhaps I will," Jerry said with all his might.
"I'll wait to see the doctor," he said patiently.
"I'm just an average soldier," she admitted privately.
"I have to strip naked again!" he rebuffed.
"I joined the navy," she said fleetingly.
"I'd better resend our S O S, Captain Smith," he said remorsefully.
"The optometrist probably won't have my glasses ready yet," she speculated.
"I was adopted," she said transparently.
"The wind is powerful," he blustered.
"No, you may not use my brush," she bristled.
"Alas, the ancient Greek woodland deity has passed on," he said with deadpan expression.
"I'll bet it's better to fish with a net," he debated.
"Ein, zwei, drei, funf," she recounted fearlessly. (Another double whammy)
"For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly grateful," he prayed gracefully.
"My parents are Billy and Nanny," he kidded.
"The sun is rising," she mourned.
"Have I been emasculated?" he demanded.
"Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth disdainfully.
"It just don't add up," he said, nonplussed.
"The exit is over there," she pointed out.
"I'm not going to quit anything this Easter," he said relentlessly.
"I fought with Geronimo," he said bravely.
"Go ask an investment broker," was her stock answer.
"A spirit carried me from the chair to the bed," she said, visibly moved.
"I don't work here on a regular basis," he said casually.
"The situation is grave," she said cryptically.
"I'm taller than I was yesterday," he said gruesomely.
"I have only diamonds, clubs and spades," she said heartlessly.
"I've never had a car accident," he said recklessly.
"Dorothy, if you're going back to Oz, I'm going with you," Em barked.
"How long is the wait?" he asked without reservation.
"It's twelve, noon," she chimed.
"I find you guilty," the judge said with conviction.
"I'll take that," she said appropriately.
"I bet you're my host," he guessed.
"I prefer my margins to be jagged," she said without justification.
"I have to keep the eggs warm," he said honestly.
"I said already that I added a second layer of mulch," she repeated.
"The surgeon removed my left ventricle," he said half-heartedly.
"The doctor removed a bone from my arm," she said humourlessly.
"I already paid my annual subscription," he remembered.
"My investments are worth more every day," he said appreciatively.
"I'm taking the ship back to harbour," she reported.
